Sexologist Juliet Allen on the magic of sex and keeping the intimacy alive in our relationships
Sex expert Juliet Allen speaks openly with The Art of Living about how we can become more sexually empowered and use sex to bring magic into everyday life.
On her journey to become a sexologist
Well, I guess it actually started when I was a child - I was always very explorative and curious about sexuality and bodies! I found it very normal and natural to self-pleasure and explored intimacy with female friends as a teenager. After studying psychology at university, and becoming a Mum, I wanted more ... I found out that I could study sexology and I signed up to my postgrad course straight away at uni. This was a huge turning point in my life, I felt truly at home studying sex and my career as a sexologist took off very early on.
On society suppressing a woman's sexuality
I feel society suppresses all healthy expressions of sexuality in both genders, not just for women. It all began years ago with the church and religion creating stigma and shaming sex ... the impact of this in society is still huge. I do however think there is a big shift happening in the world, especially since the influx of social media usage. More and more sex positive people are becoming visible and standing up for sexual empowerment, it's awesome to see and be a part of.
Embracing our sexuality and bodies
The first thing we need to do is know that it's an inside job, no one can do this for us other than ourselves. It's handy to seek support and guidance in this area, I recommend therapy and/or coaching to process past sexual trauma, childhood 'stuff' and limiting beliefs that get in they way of us embracing our sexuality and bodies as individuals. It's also important to look at this area of our life holistically - we need to work on feeling turned on in all areas of out lives - work, family, health, friendships etc. When we are happy in a bigger sense, we are better able to deal with the stuff that comes up around our sexuality and body.
Sex for wellbeing and as a healing modality
Our sexual energy is our life-force energy, we are all born with it and we all have sexual energy in our body. Some of us feel it more present than others, however we all have it within. When we are able to tap into this energy, and feel fully sexually alive and turned on, we often feel more creative, more whole and experience more joy in everyday life. Sexual energy and our sexuality is an expression of all of us - our light and our dark, our full expression of emotions, our deep desires ... when we embrace ALL that we are sexuality (not just the pretty stuff), then we can feel more whole and more integrated as a human. Sex is truly healing because it allows us to deeply connect in with our true essence and also connect in with our lovers/partners on a deeply spiritual level.
Sex magic is simply using the power of the sexual energy to manifest what we want in life. Out sexual energy is powerful! When we connect in with ourselves during self-pleasure, or when we are making love with another, we can use the power of the this energy to fuel an intention to manifest our desire in life. Simply set an intention, begin self-pleasuring or making love, visualise what you want to manifest, and allow the magic to unfold.
On keeping the intimacy alive in our relationships
Ahhhh well, this is the big question that we are all wanting the answer too, isn't it?! There's a lot of things we can do, however we are all so unique, what works for some may not work for others. Some main pointers are to commit to open and honest communication, to prioritise quality time with each other, to prioritise connecting in with your self and with solitude, to be curious and open to new sexual experiences, and to agree that intimacy is a priority for both people in the relationship.
On embracing our orgasms
Firstly, we need to learn to enjoy and master self-pleasure. We cannot expect to experience or embrace our orgasmic energy with others if we have not yet mastered it ourselves. So, explore your body, explore your pleasure potential, explore what turns you on and learn how to feel orgasmic energy in your body.
Orgasm are typically thought of as big bangs, or big spikes of energy. I teach that orgasmic energy is always alive in our body, and that instead of having the goal to experience an orgasm, focus on all the little sensations in your body from the very beginning ... this allows us to take the pressure off experiencing a certain 'type' of orgasm, and instead be very present. Women find that when they stop relying on their clitoris for orgasms, and take away the goal of the 'big bang', they begin to experience other more orgasmic profound sensations.
Feminine and masculine energy during sex
Firstly, it's important to note that the feminine and masculine energy exists within us all, both women and men. The healthy feminine energy (usually more prominent in women) is more receptive, surrendered, open, creative, expressive of emotion, vulnerable and soft. The healthy masculine is more penetrative, very present and focussed. This plays out during sex in lots of ways - in most relationships one person is more in either their masculine or feminine, which needs to be the case for polarity to be experienced between two lovers. When there is polarity (one is in their masculine, one in their feminine), then this is when sex is profound and feels like fireworks.
On feeling more free spirited in the bedroom
I recommend getting in touch with your own body, working on the stuff (often stuff from childhood) that is holding you back from full self expression, learning to love your body and take care of your body in a holistic way, work on open communication with lovers, and most importantly, make love to yourself often (self-pleasure) and enjoy feeling free spirited in solitude first. Lots of nudity at home is great for women who are just beginning to explore this area of life and self expression!
1. Supplied by Juliet Allen
2.Vogue Paris 2015 by Mario Testino